IT’S BEEN A YEAR…

It’s been a year.

It’s still so unreal, but it’s truly been a year.

A year without talking to you on the phone as I drive to and from work. A year without stopping at Starbucks to get your Dragon Fruit lemonade and lemon loaf. A year without you yelling at me, testing my patience and asking me what’s my next goal? It’s been a year.

I don’t think I’ve grieved.

I don’t even know what that means…

From the past year, I’ve busted out crying at random times. Sometimes in my vehicle, sometimes inside the closet, ugly, uncontrollable crying that I hid from the girls and Matthew. It strangely stops as immediate as it started. Like a band aid, it was painful yet numb. I didn’t hide it because I was afraid to let them see me vulnerable, but it reminds them that you’re not here with us anymore. And to be honest, I wasn’t strong enough to tell them you’re in a better place…Is grieving being afraid to be alone? I hated being alone, I thought about you more then. It reminded me of the day you fell asleep in our egg chair. It constantly reminds me of the times you watched me get the girls ready for bed. I often wondered what would I do if you’d show up at ‘your’ spot? Would I scream out of fear? Or would I run towards you and make sure you don’t leave again? Is that grieving? There are nights I stayed awake angry, thinking what I would and should have done differently? Should I have quit my job and took care of you? Should I have searched for the best Cancer doctors around the world? It’s too late isn’t it, but it does keep me awake at night…Is this grieving?

Remember whenever you slept over? The girls would fall asleep listening to us talk about people, memories and plan our next day. And as tired as we were, we forced ourselves awake to talk. And when we finally fall asleep, you would wake me up asking for new set of clothes because you’re drenched in your sweat, your Chemo’s side-effects you said…Remember that?

Remember when you ask me to eat out? I didn’t care what you wanted to eat, it made me happy that you’re able to eat something…I knew my sisters would be so mad if they’d known I took you out for Korean food or ramen, but you’d smile…you’d eat, sometimes even finish your meals. You may have gained weight, but no one understood it was difficult for you to eat. No one knew, except for our family, remember that?

Remember when went on vacations? Dad drove, you snored…it was funny, funny to me and the kids…music in our ears. You loved travelling, we loved travelling – so even when your body ached and you struggled to walk, we travelled. Dad wheeled you, you relaxed…it was comforting, comforting to me and to our family…you’re travelling with us. We ate different food, we sightsee and shopping was our jam mom! I loved going on vacation with you. Remember that?