Woke up really weak today, feeling so fucked up I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t care to get the girls ready for school or to get myself ready for another Gate Review at work. There’s a huge part of me that wanted to cover myself up with our comforter and another part of me that wants to get up and throw up. Either way sucks!
I remember being woken up at 3:50 am by my dad’s phone call. “It’s time…” he said. I got it (Almost relieved) but unreal. I felt it the night before. I felt slightly hopeful but dreaded she heard Ate Cat and my conversation of her being tired and us being selfish. We walked down the isle to the hospital room hand and hand, clenching that I wouldn’t fall down at every step. I was scared to see what my mom would look like dead.
She looked peaceful, wrapped in her white blanket, warm to touch. This is one thing I’d never ever forget…she was very warm to touch. My mom was warm and her skin was soft – huggable. I didn’t know where to touch her. I bent down on the edge of the bed, running both my hands slowly on top of her shin towards her knee until I’m bowed down and my head rest nicely on her legs. I figured I’d hug the part of her I touched the most. I massaged her feet and legs everyday I visited her at the hospital – her last month. And until she passed her legs smelled like coconut. She said it was her favorite part of the day – my massages. I didn’t want to let go, why now? Why so soon? She could have waited longer. Just until I was able to bring her to Japan (Mom, we had tickets to Japan for August right? ), to Israel (Mom, you and dad were going to Israel right? ), and to every place we’ve always dreamed to visit. Why couldn’t she have waited longer? See? She’s tired, and still up to this day, I am selfish 😦
I miss you mom… I miss your smell…I miss your laugh, complaints, wishes, chats, I miss you very much…
POWERFUL WOMEN 